


The Lethality of Genius

by SuperWhoLockianFangirl



Category: Criminal Minds, Doctor Who, Sherlock (TV), The Mentalist
Genre: Crack, Fluff, Healthy sprinkling of OOCness, Humor, Implied Johnlock, Insanity, M/M, Stated Morgan/Reid, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-21
Updated: 2013-04-21
Packaged: 2017-12-09 03:35:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/769517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuperWhoLockianFangirl/pseuds/SuperWhoLockianFangirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Four of the brightest minds in the universe converge together to solve a simple case of murder. Or suicide. They can't seem to agree on anything except that they enjoy taunting each other. Their maddening jabs at one another prove to be a bit too much for David Rossi, who just wants everyone to stop talking for the love of God.</p><p>Total crack. You have been warned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Lethality of Genius

"She was clearly asphyxiated," Sherlock said, kneeling down close to the woman's body. She was a tall, slender young woman with long blond hair and brown eyes that were staring wide open at the ceiling.

John nodded, gently turning her head so that he could get a closer look at her face, "Yes, the hemorrhaging around her eyes and nose do support that,"

"But there aren't any bruises from strangulation or suffocation," Jane pointed out, shaking his head. "She must have been poisoned."

"Or overdosed," Reid suggested, holding up the nearly empty bottle of pills that they'd found in her purse. "There are more than enough pills here to stop her heart."

"Yes, but none of the symptoms!" Sherlock shook his head, "She was practically foaming at the mouth when we arrived. Mere sleeping pills wouldn't do that."

"No, but she was drugged with something," Martha said, shifting on her feet. She couldn't get too close to the body from where she was currently standing, shoved up against the wall. Reid, Jane, Sherlock and the Doctor were all gathered around the dead woman with narrowed eyes. John was only able to get so close because Sherlock had practically shoved him down there between Reid and the Doctor. Rossi was in an even worse position than she was, pushed back into a corner, silently observing with his fists clenched.

Sherlock turned his eyes up to her and pursed his lips, "Thank you, we've already figured that part. Now," he glanced back at the woman, "Clearly she did not kill herself,"

"Clearly?" the Doctor raised a brow, his glasses perching at the end of his nose as he looked up at the consulting detective. "How is that clear? It looks like she did to me,"

"And me," Reid agreed.

Sherlock rolled his eyes, "Dr. Reid, you're only agreeing because the Doctor is saying that, which is frankly pathetic,"

Reid narrowed his eyes, "That's not true!" he protested, "According to her coworkers she had been withdrawn, quiet and depressed for months now. She stopped caring about her appearance and stopped wearing make-up, she gained weight and her job skill was declining."

"Clearly, suicide," The Doctor nodded.

"Actually," Jane shook his head, "I think I agree with Sherlock. She's wearing make-up now and her clothes are brand new. And she just had her nails manicured,"

"And her hair colored and styled," Sherlock bent down and lifted a strand of the woman's long blond hair, motioning to the recently colored roots and newly applied highlights. "Why on earth would she do that if she were going to kill herself?"

"She just had her hair done so she couldn't kill herself?" The Doctor frowned, "That's ridiculous. Plenty of people want to look their best before they kill themselves,"

"But why would she wait and dose herself while in the office?" Jane asked, shaking his head.

"Maybe she misjudged the time it would take her to get home." Reid said.

"Please," Sherlock rolled his eyes, "Now you're grasping at straws. Her lover obviously poisoned her."

"Her lover?" Rossi frowned.

"Why would he poison her?" The Doctor demanded.

"Money, revenge, who knows. Clearly, he killed her. They must have met just a few hours ago and he poisoned her before she left," Sherlock said.

John stood, glancing back at Martha who looked vaguely annoyed with her arms crossed over her chest. He slid away from the arguing men and moved over to her. "Don't take it personally. Sherlock's like that to everyone."

She nodded, "Clearly. He even pushed you out of the way,"

"She hasn't met her lover yet!" Reid argued, "She was on her way to meet him when she died."

"Then why would she kill herself before meeting him?" Sherlock demanded.

"WHAT LOVER!?" Rossi snapped, looking between the four men gathered around the body in deep debate.

Jane, Sherlock, Reid and the Doctor all looked back at Rossi with blank stares and Reid cleared his throat. "The one she's been seeing for a few months," he explained.

"She was going to break up with him this afternoon," Jane said, tilting his head, "But Dr. Reid's right, Sherlock, she didn't make it to meet him…"

Sherlock frowned and dropped back down to his knees immediately, pulling out his small magnifying glass and studying the woman's neck, fingers, palms and lips. After a moment, he sighed and stood up.

"Alright… You're right."

John blinked, shaking his head in surprise. "So… you were wrong?" he asked.

Sherlock narrowed his eyes, "Partly. She was still murdered. If it wasn't the lover… It must've been someone else,"

"Like who?" The Doctor demanded. "She didn't even have friends let alone enemies…"

"Actually," Reid frowned and picked up her purse again, "Her sister left her an angry text message,"

"Oh, boring," Sherlock sighed. "This was looking so interesting before. Now it's sibling rivalry,"

Reid and the Doctor frowned at him, "She's dead!" the Doctor snapped.

"And?"

"And you could be a little more respectful," Reid said, shaking his head.

"Yes, because being respectful of the deceased will bring us so much closer to finding her killer,"

"What does the message say?" Jane asked, holding his hand out for the phone. Reid passed him the phone and Martha slid closer to Rossi, whispering quietly under her breath.

"Are you alright?" she asked worriedly.

"Fine," Rossi's voice was tight as he watched the four men. Martha thought she saw Rossi's eyes twitch for a second but that must've been a trick of the light.

"Is he always like that?" Martha nearly jumped when John moved to stand next to her and Rossi and she glanced back at the Doctor, who was now doing a second medical scan of the woman's body with his sonic screwdriver.

"Pretty much, yeah," she nodded, turning her dark eyes onto Sherlock, "What about him?"

John watched Sherlock for a moment before answering, "No. This is one of his better days. Usually, he's much more of a dick,"

She raised her brows and smiled, "Must be bloody awful living with him."

"Oh, yeah. Heads in the refrigerator. Eyes in the microwave. And once he left sheep intestines in the bathroom sink…"

"Good God," Rossi frowned at him, "How do you live like that?"

John shrugged, "You get used to it,"

"Use to it?" Rossi shook his head, "You get used to living with a psychopath?"

"Actually," Sherlock looked up from the cell phone, "I'm not a psychopath, I'm a high functioning sociopath,"

Jane smiled faintly and Reid just shook his head in agreement.

"According to my boss, I'm a classic psychopath…" Jane said, looking over at Sherlock. "I've never kept body parts in my house though."

"They're for experiments!" Sherlock protested.

"Experiments," Reid nodded, "That proves your depravity,"

Sherlock frowned, "Yes, I forgot, the fact that I can successfully remove myself from my emotions makes me inhuman, while your pathetic, hopeless attraction to one of your coworkers is clearly far more mentally healthy."

"One of his coworkers?" Rossi frowned, looking between Reid and Sherlock with confusion.

Sherlock opened his mouth to answer but John cut him off, "Sherlock, remember you agreed to stop doing that?"

Jane nodded, "Remember what happened the last time?"

Sherlock unconsciously rubbed his jaw, "I highly doubt Dr. Reid will punch me,"

"If he doesn't I will," the Doctor muttered under his breath.

"You know," Martha started to say something but Reid cut her off.

"What do you mean, I won't hit you?" he demanded.

"Well it's obvious. You're a far more passive aggressive person. You wouldn't resort to physical violence to vent your frustration and anger," Sherlock said.

"You really think I wouldn't hit you?" Reid seemed to be somewhat upset about that.

"Reid, just let it go," the Doctor said, shaking his head.

"No," Sherlock said, "You won't. I'll even prove it –"

"Sherlock," Jane tried to cut him off but Sherlock kept going anyway.

"You're obviously sexually attracted to Agent Morgan and too introverted to do anything about it. Whether that's because your few romantic endeavors have always ended badly or because you aren't quite ready to accept your own sexuality remains to be seen," Sherlock said, "Either way it's quiet pathetic and incredibly dull."

Reid frowned, his jaw flexing and Sherlock smirked.

"There, you see, you didn't punch me,"

Rossi's eyes were both twitching now, Martha realized, and his fists were clenching in and out. "Are you alright?" John asked him, stepping closer to the FBI agent. "You look like you're about to start hyperventilating,"

"I'm fine," Rossi said, his voice sounding even more strained than it had before.

"Boys," Martha stepped forward, trying to get their attention.

"I don't have to punch you," Reid said, his voice eerily even. "Because you're wrong."

"Oh? Do enlighten me then, Dr. Reid,"

"First, if the man you just described is 'pathetic' and 'dull' then you're only describing yourself. You are clearly in denial about your feelings for John," he looked back at the shorter man, whose mouth suddenly fell open, his eyes wide.

"Second," Reid continued, ignoring the way Sherlock's eyes had narrowed at him. "I'm not hopelessly attracted to Derek. We've been sleeping together for six months,"

From the back corner of the room they heard Rossi's sharp intake of air, but all eyes were focused on Reid and Sherlock. Jane looked vaguely worried. He could see that both Sherlock and Reid were armed and he was just wondering which one would go for their gun first.

The Doctor looked mildly interested, however. His eyes lit with fascination.

"Boys," Martha decided to try and cut in again, "You're forgetting –"

"John and I are friends, Dr. Reid, nothing more," Sherlock cut her off, frowning.

"That doesn't mean you don't want there to be more," Reid said.

"Hang on," John frowned, "I'm not gay! Doesn't anyone ever listen to me when I say that?"

"He's got a point," Jane said, glancing at Sherlock, "You two… are in love."

"We are not!" John protested. "We're friends. Colleagues. Roommates!"

Sherlock tilted his head, his gaze focused on Reid, "John and I have a simply platonic relationship, Dr. Reid. If you want to go around announcing your sexual activity, by all means do so, but throwing around ridiculous accusations like that is frankly beneath you,"

"It's not an accusation,"

"Boys," Martha cut in again, "The body –"

"It's true. You are sexually attracted to John Watson and you're doing everything you can to deny that."

"Now hold on a minute -!" John started to say something when he was suddenly cut off by the sound of a loud gunshot going off. For a moment, no one knew what had happened until they all turned to look at the back corner where David Rossi had been standing.

Blood and brain matter spattered the wall and lying crumbled on the ground was the body of the former FBI agent, his gun in his hand.

Martha blinked, staring at the body and crossed her arms, turning to glare at the men. "See that?" she snapped. "You killed him!"

"Technically, he killed himself," Sherlock started to protest and Martha shook her head.

"How many times is this going to have to happen for you four to start behaving like normal people? First Anderson and now Rossi!"

They all withered slightly under the gaze of the dark skinned woman and suddenly found their shoes very interesting. John smirked slightly, glad to see them all finally shut up for once.

"How about next time you focus on the case and nothing else, huh?"

-end-

**Author's Note:**

> Didn't I tell you? Completely insane. Hope you enjoyed!


End file.
